Saturday, March 31, 2007

Host Stage

A drama hostage in front of the Manila City Hall made international waves. I was watching it on CNN since the local channels had their noontime shows on. Wow. We're famous again! Just like when we were on top of the corruption list (take that Indonesia, we're number one, baby!).

Ahh.. If I want to be heard, I must put up a hostage drama myself. Like the man who rants about education, he held school children on the way to a field trip. If I want to rave about exams, pollution, and computer viruses, what or who would I have to take?

MORAL: Grab someone and use him to get your wishes broadcasted on live media with promises from politicians. (Don't forget the grenade and some weapons!) Woohoo. Let's follow the man's footsteps to have our wishes come true, then you don't even have to wait for your birthday and blow those freaking candles..

Interrogating A BanAnna

Ten Questions or Not (fine, for Humanity):
special guest: *Anna B. which means Anna Banana. Haha, no, seriously, but it is really Anna B

1.] How are you feeling today? Any sense of guilt, troubled conscience, hatred, depression, schizophrenia, and anger?
= I feel guilty, troubled, depressed and schizoprenic because of your attempt to redeem humanity. Hahahaha harsh. :)
*That's what insecure, insensitive people feel when they recognize humanitarians like me, and they realize they can't do anything but contribute to the downhill human race. Harsh.

2.] Put into mind what the boy did in the story A Leak in the Dike, and when Jose Rizal died for his country. If you would run for president or any position, what would be your campaign jingle? Insert your lyrics if you must.
= Campaign jingle? Wag na lang. Mag-aacrobatics na lang ako sa TV. Or ipapakita sa kanila ang Foundation Form no.1 and 2 sa taekwondo. That's more useful!
*That would be useful, but would that be entertaining? Gosh, of all things. Haha, why don't you try lifting weights? Foundation Form with musical accompaniment. Exciting!

Voter: I'll vote Anna!
Quidnunc A: Why? She doesn't have a campaign jingle for Sparta's sake! Jingles are all that matter!
Voter: Ay, yeah I forgot. But, she did something interesting a while ago!
Quidnunc A: What? The photographer-unfriendly poses? Eeeww. I don't want to vote for someone who knows martial arts, even some of it.
Voter: Why? What do you have against martial artists?
Quidnunc A: Why are you so inquisitive? I am the quidnunc here!
Quidnunc B aka Voter: Because I am a responsible citizen.
Quidnunc A: Sheesh, I'll just vote Serena Williams.
Quidnunc B: Why? She has an orange belt in Taekwondo, she knows martial arts.
Quidnunc A: Whatever, why do you keep on asking?!
Quidnunc B: Because I want to know...
Quidnunc A: Wait, who are you?! Why are you in my living room sitting on my couch!?
Quidnunc B: What? You're not my cousin? Sorry! I got the wrong address!

3.] If you could tell the word just one thing it would be --- ?
= Ang gugulo niyo. Swear. Ako lang ang maayos. Booooo haha ;p
*Kung magulo sila at ikaw lang ang maayos, maaaring ikaw ay may problema. Abnormal ka.

4.] I know you love hurting people physically, why?
= No I don't love hurting people physically no. Except in taekwondo, where I find absolute bliss in hearing the sound of my kick making contact with the armor (or better yet, my sparring partner's body). HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Hello. When I took up takewondo I realized that my leg CAN have a polka dot pattern.That's why nagpaparamihan kami palagi ng pasa ng ka-spar ko. Sa binti niya ako tinatamaan. Garrr! Dahil sa kanya, I can't wear pretty skirts. Wah.
*Then wear not-so-pretty skirts. Haha.

5.] Let's talk about relationships. What do you think of divorce or annulment? So?
=Divorce? Gasgas na yan eh. Ibang tanong naman.
Anyway, well, ayoko ng divorce. Wawa ang kids. Mukha lang naman kasing tanga eh. Kapag nakipag-divorce ka, ibig sabihin you are an idiot. Hello nagpakasal ka na tapos makikipaghiwalay ka? Duh. Walang commitment. Kaya magulo ang mundo eh. See?
*Don't complain about my questions. This is not about you, this is about humanity. Selfish people always complain. (Take that! Mwahaha.)

6.] Would you rather do side kicks 10 times or do sit-ups for 150 times then do 30 push-ups? State the reason of your choice.
= I would rather do side kicks 10 times. At least 10 lang. Yung isa 150+30. Duh. No-brainer. Marunong ako mag-add noh.
*I'm so happy you do know how. But, why did you still use your calculator on that?

7.] They say patience is a virtue. What do you mean by virtue? Do you believe in it?
= Virtue. Ah, virtue? Ang virtue ay isang magandang paniniwala na dapat isabuhay. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Um, anyway, oo? Naniniwala ata ako. Kasi minsan totoo eh.
*Do you think people care (aside from me, because other people's condition is my first priority) about what you believe in?

8.] Yoda is a character in Star Wars. Have you seen a shooting star?
= I haven't seen a shooting star, pero napanood ko na ang Star Wars the full saga sa Star Movies noong buong January hahaha.
*Nicely answered. It's because you used to study in St. John's. Biased, haha.

9.] Love at first sight - is it real? Why or why not? Is it because of personal experience/s or just because you are cynical, hard and cold?
= It is not real, but that will be my cynical answer. It is real, because of my personal experience, no matter how much I deny and lie and fool you about it hahahaha.
*Wow, whatever. Do blind people experience love at first sight? I wonder.

10.] You are a student, right? Or are you just a couch potato? If you are a student, what food would you buy in the cafeteria? I hope you are not on a diet.
= Paano ako magda-diet? Wala na akong maida-diet sa katawan ko hello. I would buy all the food in the caf para pag tumaba na ako, magda-diet na ako, kasi nga mataba na ako. O diba.
*Buy all the food in the caf? Wow, rich. Buy everything, but you have to eat them all. Like Pokemon, 'gotta catch them all'. If it was me, I would buy food then donate them to charity, like for the orphans, or the streetchildren. I won't eat them for myself. Tsktsk, selfish. I wish you could see yourself now. =)

MORAL: Please remember this is for humanity. Anna Banana is a real person, take pity on her. She is currently experiencing emotional problems because of someone she knows way back. Well, her concerns are none of the streetchildren's business. But the children's concers must be on everyone's business. Boohoo. I must be given an award for this, like for being so sensitive and responsible, and compassionate. Oh wait, the United Nations sent me an e-mail, I'll read it first...

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Never Miss A Shot

A Sony Ericsson commercial featuring two of my favorite tennis players (there are a lot of them) - Daniela Hantuchova (the one who uhh, jumped from the building) and Ana Ivanovic (the one who served the ball and started the super rally). Haha, cool.

*Daniela Hantuchova won Pacific Life Open just recently and I know you don't really care, but I want to write it, anyway, so who cares (besides me).

MORAL: Play tennis. That's it. Call me when you want a partner. (What do you expect, I love the game, of course I'll be biased about that.) Just don't jump from buildings, no matter how passionate you are. A ball may bounce if it falls from the sky, but humans don't bounce. They just uhh, they just don't look good when they hit the ground, especially head first.

Exorcise and Die with a T

Honestly, really, I’m not telling a lie, I’m not fond of junk food. I am blessed with a faster-than-normal metabolism and has been underweight my life. Being underweight is not a good thing, I tell you. Normal is normal, it is good to be normal in terms of health (not in personality, academics, etc.). I eat a lot, really, sometimes you can’t even tell if I’m eating or I’m feasting. Especially when the food is something that drives my palate nuts. However, that is not my topic for now.

If we want to lose weight, they say we eat nutritious food blahblah, which oftentimes most don’t really follow (the oily aroma of synthetic burgers and the appeal of MSG-fortified chips are enough to make us grow bigger – and wider), and EXERCISE.
First thing that comes to my mind when I hear exercise is, “When?” Really, no matter how much you try to learn about time management and all those set your priorities thing, there really is no time for exercising, unless you want to exercise your body during midnight. (this is true, really, when you work all day or go to school then get home to do homeworks or what-not’s, when can you chip exercise time in?)
They say if you can’t find time to exercise, do something else physically. Like, take the stairs, walk instead of using your car, use public transportation sometimes, and other similar things. Maybe you can handwash your clothes instead of using the washing machine (plus extra workout when there are stains!). Also, take the stairs when you work or study on the 12th floor, walk to school or work and you can feel all pollution and sweat, not to mention all your colleagues can smell the number of trucks that passed by you on your way going to work. Perspiration, woohoo. Nothing beats body sweat.

Being a student, well, I think I can insert exercise in my schedule. Like when I get home after school, maybe instead of checking if I have homeworks or if I have to study for a quiz tomorrow, I can just skip rope, or do sit-ups. Wow. Talk about priorities. Of what use is my education if I am as sick as uhh, hmm, err, sick person? I won’t get to use what I’ve learned all my life while laying in my deathbed or let’s say something less grave like, when I am sick all day with cough and colds, I can’t do anything productive. Spreading virus by coughing or sneezing is not productive. (I love sarcasm.)

But what can we do about it? Instead of doing my advice of prioritizing (which is sooo cliché anyway), why don’t we all just crash diet? Really. Like we just don’t eat anything? Or if we can’t control ourselves, we just eat once and that’s it! Drink a lot of water in the meantime to stuff your stomach as well.

MORAL: Summertime brings out the other side of people. The ideas of beaches, and swimsuits make one think of great bodies. And what way to have a great body when summer is nearing? Diet and Exercise!! (both starting with a capital letter) Exercise for heaven’s sake. Crash dieting is not good, ulcers are not friendly. Pain is not worth a slightly skinny body. But if you think of otherwise, please get help.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The Other Half Body

It's like they have Velcro in their bodies wherein they can detach themselves then reattach their bodies when they are done flying around *eek, eek*. Wow, amazing! I wish someone from Discovery Channel would document on this creature, Philippines would be a popular tourist spot. Rake in the money, "Awoo!" to our economy.

The manananggal literally means "one who can remove". A manananggal is described as being an older, beautiful woman (as opposed to an aswang), capable of severing its upper torso in order to fly into the night with huge bat-like wings to prey on unsuspecting, pregnant women in their homes; using an elongated proboscis-like tongue, it sucks the hearts of fetuses or blood of an unsuspecting, sleeping victim. The severed lower torso is left standing and it is said to be the more vulnerable of the two halves (source: Wikipedia).

Cool, let's wait for them!! But really, I don't want to meet them, knowing they suck the blood out of unsuspecting people (there is some time when I am "unsuspecting"). I am a precious child. However, preggies beware! (Hmm, another method of reducing the human population... Not bad, not bad.)

Manananggals are not superhumans, or , supercreatures. Just like Superman, (no they don't wear briefs outside their Spandex) they have a notable weakness. According to Wikipedia, their lower torso is the most vulnerable part. (Do humans consider their lower torso a vulnerable part? Hmmm... That would be another post.)

How To Destroy A Manananggal In 4 Easy Steps

1. Locate the lower , stationary half of her body. She leaves it in some dark corner of her house.

2. Pour a cup of rock salt into the exposed guts. When she returns, she will not be able to reattach herself to her lower torso.

3. She will go berserk. Hide.

4. Wait for sunrise. If she hasn't reassumed her human form by then, the early morning sunlight will vaporize her.

MORAL: I think everyone must have a copy of the easy 4-step guide. Or memorize it. It's just 4 easy steps, right? It's not everyday that one could meet a manananggal, so better be prepared for that once-in-a-lifetime encounter. But what if you use some super adhesive instead? Or pour the trusty old muriatic acid straight-on? Please don't ask me why muriatic acid is trusty. (notice the "Please".) But how would we know if the acid (wait how about vinegar?) or the adhesive will work? Do my own 2-Step Guide on Testing If The Manananggal Killing Thing Works.

1. Cut yourself open. Any part of the body would do, not necessarily the lower torso. You can rip your fingers off if wanted.

2. Apply the desired materials (mint mouthwash, vinegar, pesticide, perfume, super glue, sand, saltwater, kerosene, toothpaste, feminine wash, whatever) onto the wound DIRECTLY. No need to wait for sunrise when you do this (you will not die, don't worry. *sinister smile*).

If the process worked or if it didn't produce the desired effect, try again or seek professional medical help (not psychological, but if desired, go. I'll support you). Happy experimentation! Enjoy. =)

*photo: loren javier
*4 easy steps: jessica zafra
*2 easy profound steps: mine

Thursday, March 08, 2007

300 Flying V-Monologues

I saw someone from the video game Street Fighter in the movie 300. Guess who?

I have never seen such a muscular movie, with loin cloths (then leather, how would it feel wearing leather ones), and ooh, the curtain dresses of the Queen look nice. Also, the pretty gladiator sandals - I want to have one without having to fight Persians and tikbalangs (creatures that have human bodies with horse heads).

Only Spartan women give birth to real men.

How does it smell?!
= It smells like somewhere between fish and lilac.

What is a period?
= It is a punctuation placed at the end of a sentence.

(Women) hemorrhage every month. Whatever.

I have never seen so many abs in my life. Waiting for the Vagina Monologues (Mar 7) until 7pm, we went out to watch a movie. "What movies are available for our schedule?" My classmate said, "Pursuit (per-shoot) of Happyness, and 300." Ok, so we went to watch the latter. I was mocking the movie earlier during our break when my blockmates were asking about it. I told them it would cost them 300PHP to watch the movie, it would play at 3:00, and only 300 people can watch it. I didn't know I would be one of them. But the thought of gore and violence got me daydreaming of how to minimize the human population. (I want to be an animal rights activist.) A lot of animals were slaughtered there. Oh, a large number of men, as well, like I care.

King Xerxes had his eyebrows done by Leonardo da Vinci. A big person with a lot of piercings, jewelries, ornaments and I thought he would stretch his arms out to hug or slap Leonidas, or spit fire from his mouth. I thought he had powers used for violence and bloodshed. There were different creatures as well, I thought the elephants were from Sri Lanka or Thailand, and was anticipating for the Philippines' representative - the manananggals (Filipino mythological creatures = women with wings who leave the lower half of their bodies then fly out to eat babies). Unfortunately, there were no manananggals for me. (It's not like I want to see them vis-a-vis. Please, don't terrorize me. The image of King Xerxes is enough to give me the creeps.)

300 Spartans multiplied by either 6 or 8-pack abs is equal to what? I'll leave the answer to you. It's a lot of muscles. Muscles. Muscles. Blah, sometimes those abs were so distracting I wasn't able to see how they looked like. Really. One Spartan who looks pretty, even got headless because he was deaf (of course this is not true, he was too involved with the father-and-son-to-be-headless moment) and didn't hear the Persian with a horsie (or was it a pony?) galloping towards them ("them" is equal to pretty, headless Spartan with a ripped body buddy). Swoosh! The sword was really sharp and the Persian guy got him at one blow! At least our Spartan still looks nice, with his face not mashed up or something that looks like crumpled paper, and his ripped body still showing the world a lot of muscles. Awoo!

I don't know how to write about Vagina Monologues. I know there are no media board here, but, hey, I found it really good. All those monologues about THE vagina and the facts as well! Here is one I remembered from the show, (we are intellectual, matured, post-modern people, so I know this fact is something)

The clitoris is the only part of the body mainly for pleasure purposes. It has 6,000 nerve endings, a half more than the penis. So why would you want a handgun, when you have a semi-automatic?! (This is not the exact fact, I can't remember it verbatim, crap! Curse pollution - you are sucking my memory cells!)

MORAL: If you want to inflict pain, do not use a very sharp sword or spear or arrow. Try a pen, or a meat cleaver, instead. Then chop or poke continuously until they uhh, cry from joy. Movie for everyone, well not for really young kids who are easily brainwashed and maybe those people who are not really young but have the conception of something like "Violence is the key to the future! I saw it at the movies! Stabbing my colleague won't hurt him! Let's go to the gym and be ripped like those Spartans!" Male species have great scenes for them like the Oracle dancing, and uhh, Leonidas and the Queen's hug. Females have all those 300 Spartans to notice plus the young Leonidas (a must-see character, haha). Violent people have all the mutilation and bloody scenes while the artists have Xerxes eyebrows and the film itself. Awoo!

*Awoo! is the battle cry of the Spartans, not the howling sound of dogs or wolves.