Thursday, October 04, 2012

I Can't Like You

So I still have loads of backlogs clogging my list and my mind. What to do, what to do? Post unrelated entries like it's what you do every day!

Thought Catalog has been really mainstream. It soars way above the mainstream line and well, it's a good thing that people are reading more interesting things nowadays. This specific post has been in my browser tabs for quite some time. Maybe it's time to put it here so I can finally close it.

I Can't Like You by Christopher Hudspeth


I like you. I mean I actually, like you. I realized it a while ago and I’m not thrilled because I already know that I shouldn’t. I can’t. I won’t. There’s no happy ending that could possibly come of this – not even a half decent one. Not for you, not for I. In fact, the chances of things ending in any fashion other than a love life massacre are alarmingly slim. If only there were a way to enjoy your company while controlling and diffusing this pesky crush, that would be ideal. It’s obvious that we both know there are undeclared feelings that exceed those of a regular friendship; we’re just hesitant to say so. Or at least I am.

It’s tempting to just tell you, and if your immediate facial expression displays anything other than joy, I can quickly declare “Just kidding,” making you feel like the foolish one for buying into my obvious ‘joke’. But eventually I decide that it’s better off being left an unspoken thought in my mind, because the potential of rejection or complication is far worse than keeping my mouth shut. Unreciprocated feelings ruin good friendships. They make one person ask for more than can be given, create discomfort, and serve as a cancerous tumor to the platonic bond. When we avoid expressing feelings and hold them in, it’s benign. Yes they still exists, but being left unspoken makes them harmless.

There are those days where boldness from an unknown source makes me go as far as writing out a text message professing my feelings. I read it, reread it, evaluate each word and consider various outcomes. After a while the little voice in my head thinks better of it and holds delete until every last letter has been expunged. It’s safer that way and right now, caution feels wiser.

You’re just too unavailable. Emotionally unavailable. Physically unavailable. Simply unavailable. Or is it unattainable?  Either way, I know that I can’t like you. And there are many reasons as to why you’re not a possibility, but do quantity and details really mean that much? In reality, one legitimate reason is enough, and with that knowledge our feelings should be kept in check. Or I should say, my feelings – to avoid making any assumptions.

So these thoughts will be suppressed. They’ll be stuffed into a bottle with the cap screwed on tight. It’s better this way. Or at the very least, it’s safer. All that’s for certain is that I can’t like you, for so many reasons. And if just one of those reasons would be enough for me to keep distance, the fact that there are multiple only solidifies any anxieties. The crush will have to go somewhere far, far away. Maybe it’ll dissolve, evaporate, or vanish suddenly – whatever the case it can’t expose itself. Because yes, I really like you, but I can’t.

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